I was just reading a novel by Mary Higgins Clark in which her character states that Emily Dickinson may have been a better writer if she was able to face her emotions instead of being afraid of them. I've been dealing with that very same thought in my own writing lately.
Many bad things happened to me as a child. Although I had a privaledged upbringing, my mother was still abusive. It took me thirty-five years to find my calling as a writer and I credit my horrendous mother and difficult childhood for leading me to writing. But the sentence I read in MHC's book struck a cord with me. I am afraid of my own emotions and I know it's negatively affecting my writing.
If I can't face my own emotions, how can I possibly expect to convey them to the reader?
You'll find this situation a lot in the world of writers. Most successful or memorable writers and poets were successful and memorable because of their tormented minds; Sylvia Plath, Edgar Allan Poe and Ernest Hemingway just to name a few. Where would we be without the products of their tortured psyche?
Everyone's had it rough in their life. I'm certainly not going to sit here and wax superior on my mental issues. Writers are an eclectic bunch, that much is certain. It's because of their torment and obstacles and abuse that their message is so relateable. But I have some work to do. Somehow, I have to stop being afraid of crying and welcome the tears. I have to stop being terrified of terror and write about it. Somehow--and I don't know how--I have to trust the world and people and myself. Somehow I have to close my eyes and allow myself to fall backward, trusting that something will catch me.
Until I can let the trust in, my writing will only be good. It will never be profound.
Am I alone in feeling this way? Are there other writers out there who feel that something is missing from their writing? Would Sylvia have written as well if she were mentally stable? Would Ernest have touched as many hearts without the alcohol? If Edgar hadn't suffered great losses, would his lyrics have been lost in time?
What are your thoughts? Do you consider yourself a tortured artist or does beauty determine your prose?
You can't trust the world or people until you can trust yourself. When you begin to trust yourself with your emotions, you will find they are easier to face. That said the only way to gain that trust in yourself is to begin to face your emotions. Start with something small and work your way up. I spent a whole year practicing being vulnerable. I'm still not very good at it, but I can recognize the value in being vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the easiest way to face your emotions is to assign them to a fictional character and let loose. Make the absolute worse possible outcome - the one that scares you the most - happen to your character. Then run with it. The story will gain its uniqueness, and you may find the process cathartic! At least that often works for me whether I do it consciously or not. :-)
You are not alone. In my critique group, we've often noticed that we engage in a ton of procrastination when we hit the most emotionally loaded sections, and the closer to home they hit, the harder they are to write. The challenge is to allow the emotion to come through in a way that is still controlled and meaningful to the reader, that allows the reader to feel, rather than simply to be the recipient of our emotions. It is incredibly challenging, but when it works, it's amazing.
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